Mountaineers Citizen-Science Leads to Space Travel Program

The recent discovery of gravitational waves by the LIGO project has provided a boost of interest in space travel like nothing else since the 2013 budget sequester. This scientific breakthrough has spurred a number of private donations and have officials making plans for manned missions to Mars. Learning from mankind's explorations of earth, the principles of safe mountain travel will be used to ensure the safety of astronauts (who may be traveling at faster-than-light speeds very soon). Mountaineers volunteers have already begun crafting the curriculum. 

THe background

This February, scientists announced their work had confirmed the existence of gravitational waves. This confirmation of Einstein's theory of relativity has opened the door to hundreds of potential applications, including time travel and faster-than-light-speed exploration. Private funders flooded the space program with offers to help.

With full funding, NASA began seeking expertise to prepare its astronauts. The Mountaineers was identified as the singular organization best suited to teach its engineers how to safely navigate, travel, and escape potential calamity during space travel. The entire system of Mountaineers courses provided the best model for helping people "learn about, explore, and conserve" the entire plane of existence now fully accessible for the first time.  

This is NOT merely a program focused on climbing mountains on other planets or moons. That's been done already and doesn't require much innovation (we've had an expedition to summit the ridge of Iapetus planned for years). 

Here is a brief summary of the important points future astronauts will need to master:

The Ten Essentials

1. Navigation: Map and Compass will be replaced by hologram, but will still be essential as a backup plan for power interruptions. The USGS, however, has yet to issue its  Space Topo maps, which, by itself, is pushing the first journey back a few years. Negotiations on this front continue with "Mel" on the USGS Customer Service line in Colorado. 
2. Sun Protection - Bring a Wig: As stated by honorary Mountaineers member Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, "In Terminator, only living things can time-travel. But hair is dead. So Arnold should’ve landed in LA not only naked but bald." Another reason why appropriate head gear is so important when exploring the outdoors. 
3. Insulation:  Most of outer space is a cold, dead place. Appropriate layers will be essential when waiting on the dark side of the moon waiting for a carpool. New advances in Teflon Gore-Tex will make this much more comfortable. Bids from REI and Outdoor Research are being considered. 
4. First Aid: Recent information from SETI has NASA believing that ibuprofen will cure approximately 58% of the aches and pains for every species in the universe. Travelers will bring 2 tons of the medication and at least 3 SAM splints to help everyone/thing encountered on the road less traveled.
5. Safe Travel: Stopping an uncontrolled slide on a mountain is an equally important skill when trying to avoid being sucked into a black hole. The best tool for the job: space axe. A device will use gravitational-wave principles to "grab" the dark matter and stop an uncontrolled slide into various space calamities. 
6. Fire: Fire is still essential - although using traditional backcountry methods would certainly kill everyone on the ship. Space pot roasts will be cooked with highly-focused laser headlamps, which will simulate microwaves without the risk of burning up air supply. 
7. Leave No Trace Principles Still Apply: WAG bags work in space too. Pack it out: and don't poop on Epsilon Eridani in particular (even just one of its inhabitants would destroy our entire solar system if it did the same to us).
8. Hydration: Gravity manipulation will allow space travelers to teleport water from nearby planets onto the ship. However, the filtration process will still involve squeezing it through a sawyer tube, one liter at at time. One (unfiltered) drop of water off the Megabrantis Cluster can melt a horse. 
9. Passing the Time: Mountaineers Books will be sending its authors on the first expedition to Magrathea to participate in the Magrathean Writer's Workshop. With billions of new markets to reach, learning what appeals to other explorers of the universe will be essential to our ability to inspire them all. Tunes are also recommended to keep everyone motivated as they bag that next lunar peak.
10. 42
11. Required Footwear: Moonboots!

Best wishes to all future explorers! We are proud to be a part of your journeys. Until the first ship leaves Earth, get outside with us at Exit 38!

The more clearly we can focus our attention on the wonders and realities of the universe about us, the less taste we shall have for destruction. - Rachel Carson

Happy April 1st Everyone! Of course, we're only kidding...kind of.