Three-Year-Old Mountaineer Masters Cross-Country Skiing in Three Seconds

In what experts are calling an astonishing event, three-year-old Mountaineer member James McKinney executed perfect cross-country skiing technique in his first attempt.

The prodigal talent emerged on an otherwise drab Seattle day, with clumps of snow scattered about the city.

“We thought it would be fun to get James outside,” said his mother Sue. “So we set him up with some ski poles and taught him the basics of the diagonal stride – from there he was off to the races.”

Said James, “My mom kept going on and on about things like weight transfer, downward push, and forward kick. I was like ‘Enough already!’ and just took off.” (In addition to being far ahead of his time in sports skills, James's vocabulary is advanced well beyond his age.) 

What happened next has left seasoned veterans of the sport dumbfounded. James completed a series of flawless strides.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mountaineers CEO Tom Vogl, who spends his winters skiing near his cabin in the Methow Valley. “I’ve been working for years on my form, struggling to achieve the grace and efficiency James mastered in a matter of seconds.”

James's stunning ascendancy was matched only by what happened next: after his remarkable display, he simply tossed both poles in the air as if to ‘drop the mic’ on cross-country skiing – an activity that dates back thousands of years and features prominently in the Winter Olympics.

James confirmed his motivations in subsequent interviews:

“I came. I saw. I conquered. There’s nothing left in this sport for me. I’m ready for ice climbing.”

*Portions of this interview may have been embellished. Happy April Fool's Day.